Ok yall, I don’t even know where to begin. When this "opportunity" found me, I thought "WTF am I about to do to myself?" Ive been writing this article for the last 8 months bc I wanted to see the full capacity in which my life would change after. So roll up bc this shit is long. Here we go...
What Is Ayahuasca?
Ayahuasca is a psychoactive brew made from a combination of two main plants: Banisteriopsis caapi (vine) and Psychotria viridis (leaves). It has been used for centuries by indigenous tribes in the Amazon rainforest, especially in areas of Peru, Brazil & Venezuela for spiritual and healing purposes. But in recent years, it has gained popularity in European & Western cultures for its potential therapeutic and transformative effects.
The Ayahuasca ceremony typically takes place in a controlled and sacred environment, often led by experienced shamans or facilitators who have deep knowledge of the brew and its traditional use. Participants gather in a ceremony space, which is usually a quiet and dimly lit setting conducive to introspection and spiritual exploration.
During the ceremony, participants consume the Ayahuasca brew, which contains powerful psychoactive compounds, mainly DMT (N,N-dimethyltryptamine). DMT is naturally occurring in some humans, plants and animals but is rapidly metabolized when taken orally. The Banisteriopsis caapi vine contains monoamine oxidase inhibitors (MAOIs), which temporarily inhibit the body's enzymes that would normally break down DMT. This allows the DMT to become orally active, resulting in a prolonged and intense psychedelic experience.
Effects of Ayahuasca
Profound visions: Ayahuasca can induce vivid visual imagery and intense sensory experiences, which are often described as dreamlike or otherworldly. WHEW!
Emotional release: Participants may experience a wide range of emotions, from euphoria to fear, and may undergo emotional purging and catharsis. This can lead to a sense of emotional release and healing.
Spiritual insights: Many individuals report gaining profound insights into their lives, relationships, and the universe during an Ayahuasca journey. This can lead to a deeper understanding of one's purpose and spirituality.
Personal transformation: Ayahuasca is often associated with transformative experiences, encouraging individuals to confront their past traumas, fears, and negative patterns. This can lead to personal growth and a shift in perspective.
Healing potential: Some people seek Ayahuasca ceremonies for potential therapeutic effects, including relief from depression, anxiety, PTSD, addiction and other mental health conditions.
Time dilation: Users may perceive time differently during an Ayahuasca experience, feeling as though they have undergone a lifetime of experiences in just a few hours.
Nausea and purging: Ayahuasca is notorious for causing intense nausea, vomiting, and/or diarrhea. This purging is considered a crucial part of the cleansing process and is often believed to rid the body of toxins. Don't be scerrrd, it's NECESSARY.
So right now you're probably thinking I flew to South America and tripped out in the depths of the jungle, right? WRONG. Surprisingly, Peru came to me! One thing I love about Vegas is you meet so many exceptionally different people, so you never know how it can come back full circle to benefit you. I had heard about it but never researched it so one day I get a message from a woman whom coincidentally I met previously at a lingerie party. She tells me she has a ceremony in 2 days in the Desert and something told me "What do you have to lose except more trauma?". I bring my curiosity and yoga mat to an undisclosed location and lay out under the moon and stars for 12 hours.
How do you prepare for your trip?
The Internet will tell you to research and educate yourself with documentaries, wikipedia, etc. If you ever wanna have the balls to do it then that's a HELL NO from me. I went in blind; best decision I ever made bc holy crap if I had a crystal ball my ass would still be home on my couch. If you or anyone you know wants to take the leap, read this article instead of googling.
Choose a reputable and experienced facilitator: If you decide to participate in an Ayahuasca ceremony, make sure to find a reputable shaman or facilitator with experience in conducting ceremonies. Seek recommendations from others who have experienced Ayahuasca journeys or read reviews from reliable sources. Though I barely knew this lady, I trusted her. I knew she helped facilitate others on their journey and I just knew she wouldn't bring me into some BS.
Dietary preparation: Follow a special diet recommended by the facilitator in the days leading up to the ceremony. This typically involves avoiding certain foods and substances that could potentially interact with Ayahuasca or cause adverse reactions. Common restrictions include avoiding alcohol, recreational drugs, caffeine, processed foods, and spicy or heavy meals. They also recommend abstaining from any sexual activity before and after, which is surprisingly easy for me nowadays. I had 2 days to prepare and I was hungover the day she called me. But I brought myself back to life and didn't eat my greasy cheat food so I could be somewhat clean.
Abstinence from certain medications: Some medications, especially antidepressants and other psychotropic drugs, can interact with Ayahuasca and may be dangerous or reduce the effectiveness of the ceremony. Inform the facilitator about any medications you are taking to ensure your safety.
Set intentions: Reflect on your reasons for seeking an Ayahuasca experience and set clear intentions for the journey. What do you hope to gain or explore during the ceremony? What do you want to release from your story? Intentions can guide the experience and provide focus and direction.
Prepare mentally and emotionally: Be aware this could be a potentially intense and challenging experience. You dont need to necessarily address any unresolved emotional issues or traumas, bc a lot of us dont even know we have them lingering in our spirit. But I would def recommend engaging in practices like meditation, yoga, or whatever you use as your therapy to cultivate emotional resilience.
Create a sacred space: Prepare a comfortable and safe space where you can rest and reflect during/after the ceremony. Bring personal items that bring you comfort and support, such as a journal, a blanket, or pictures of lost loved ones. I didn't get the memo I would need a parka out there but they made me a blanket fort so I was warm enough to get through the night.
Respect the process: Approach Ayahuasca and the tribe with humility and respect. It is a powerful and sacred plant medicine that can bring about profound changes. Trust the process and surrender to the experience, allowing it to unfold naturally.
Integration: After the ceremony, take time for integration and reflection. Ayahuasca experiences can continue to unfold in the days and weeks following. Consider engaging in practices such as journaling, meditation, or talking with supportive friends or experts to process and integrate the insights gained from the journey.
In some Ayahuasca ceremonies, participants may use a type of tobacco called "mapacho" or "nicotiana rustica" for various purposes. Mapacho is a potent and sacred variety of tobacco native to South America, particularly the Amazon region. It is different from the commonly used tobacco found in cigarettes (Nicotiana tabacum) as it contains higher levels of nicotine and other alkaloids.
During an Ayahuasca ceremony, mapacho may be used in different ways, such as snuffing, blowing, or as part of the purging process. The most common method is "snuffing" or "rapé" (pronounced "ha-pey"), where a shaman or facilitator administers a powdered form of mapacho through the nose using a special blowpipe or applicator. The reasons for using mapacho during an Ayahuasca ceremony can vary, but some of the traditional beliefs and intentions behind its use include:
Grounding and protection: Mapacho is believed to have grounding and protective properties. Sniffing it before or during an Ayahuasca ceremony is thought to help participants stay connected to the earth and protect them from negative energies or entities during the psychedelic experience.
Clearing the mind: Mapacho is said to clear the mind, promote mental clarity, and enhance focus. It is often used as a tool to prepare the mind for the Ayahuasca journey or to deepen the connection with the medicine.
Purging facilitation: In some cases, mapacho may be used to induce purging (vomiting), which is considered a vital part of the cleansing process during an Ayahuasca ceremony. Purging is believed to release emotional and physical toxins, providing a sense of purification and healing.
Spiritual connection: Mapacho is considered a sacred plant ally in many indigenous traditions. Its use is believed to establish a connection with the spiritual realm, aid in communication with spirits, and facilitate the shamanic work.
Why Did I Choose To Do Ayahuasca?
After reading up to this point you be might wondering, "Why would anyone WILLINGLY participate in this?" Yea, I can't believe I got here either. I was born into a family of addiction, abuse, mental health disorders, and generational trauma and poverty. Since childhood, I've taken on others burdens and gotten knocked down by life repeatedly, hitting rock bottom before my 20th bday. Immigration took my father from me at 18, so I spent the next 4 years compromising my mind, body and soul while pleading with a corrupt justice system to let my best friend come home. Once he was deported for 20 years minimum, expectations turned into resentment, anger turned into silence and my life continued to spiral in survival mode without a father figure.
In 2017, I had an epiphany that I needed to GTFO of Jersey before I ended up like most; complacent, addicted or dead. A month before my planned move to Vegas my brother dies of an overdose and leaves my family devastated. Being the rock for others and handling situations that others cannot bear to carry often comes with built up pain no one ever talks about. Climbing through my brothers bathroom window bc the front door was barricaded to find a CSI episode is still a memory I've pushed deep down. A few days later my bank account gets levied for 15k from an old car repo I thought was closed years prior. I mean, when you repo my crashed car with no insurance from my doorstep aren't we even? I remember sobbing, reflecting on another one of my rock bottoms and wondering why bad things always happen to good people. So I leave my only family and friends in hopes removing myself from the life I've always known would cause ANYTHING to change for the better. I move to Vegas in December 2017, a fresh 28 yr old with no set plan or purpose.
Now, when people move out of town, they sometimes think their life and problems will automatically change, but God dont work unless you do! So I was the same toxic and angry person, just living in a different state. When I hit 30, I quit all my sales and bartending jobs and manifested one part time gig that paid me more than working 7 days and 4 doubles a week ever could. And that's when I started the podcast. Meeting people who were happy with their everyday lives and exuded light was sooo foreign to me. Annoyance turned into curiosity, and I started going down the rabbit hole of happiness and healing. For the last 3 years, I've tried multiple spiritual therapies including, Reiki and Quantum Leaping. Quantum Leaping is covered in my Holistic Healing article and is the process of releasing your bodies chakras and blockages to bring in your spiritual self or the person you were always meant to be. THIS WAS MAJOR FOR ME. 3 sessions later and I felt I had made extreme progress. And I did. In my time discovering self Ive learned yoga, meditation, a plant based lifestyle, forgiveness, discernment, patience, grace and mental and physical health. Ive shared my knowledge with those I care about and have sparked significant changes in family, work colleagues, and strangers. But something was still lingering.
At this point, Ive tried a lot of drugs, psychedelics and therapy, so I was no longer scared of tapping in to my mental and seeing what would come up internally. So when my medicine lady tells me what to expect, I wasn't so much feeling nervous as I was feeling called to participate. I watch only the videos she sends me which is enough to deter anyone, and Im like "Fuck it. Let's see what happens."
My First Ayahuasca Trip
I arrive at the private location around sunset, a large ranch style home at the corner of the Vegas grid next to layers of mountains. Im directed to the back and outside to the patio where I see a large in-ground pool and the first thing I think is "This has to be a drowning hazard. Who would put us next to this when we're about to do some crazy drug?!" I lay out my yoga mat and blanket along with my purple trashcan from my old podcast studio. I remember looking at the trashcan like "Sorry pretty, Im bout to yak all in you." I was told to bring anything that made me feel safe and comfortable as well as any items from loved ones that have passed that I wouldn't mind seeing. For my brother, I brought his prayer card that I keep in my car dashboard and for my friend Malik, I brought his memorial program as well as some crystals I thought could use a good charge.
I sit there patiently while the sun goes down and the Shaman and his tribe start the fire and prepare the Ayahuasca to drink. There are numerous religious statues, instruments, and sculptures from their culture. I see a cool toad calling me but Im scared to touch it and disrespect their space. The other participants trickle in and get comfortable, and I was def regretting my one blanket decision after seeing quilts, sleeping bags and aisle 3 of Bed, Bath and Beyond. There were about 5 people total who were not part of the tribe that came to do the ceremony; one being a woman with a previous strong addiction who hadn't used since her first experience and came back for more healing. Sun down and the fire rising under the stars, the Shaman asks if this is anyones first time. When I raised my hand he gave a look of surprise with a smirk and I knew I was in for some shit.
He starts with the mapacho tradition of snuffing. Now, Ive never done coke (well not by itself anyway) and my one covid test in Mexico barely grazed my nostril, so I'm deathly afraid of things going up my nose and reaching my brain. He starts to his right and my nervous system jolts as I realize he's eventually going to make it all the way to the left where Im watching person after person get tobacco shot up their nose through a blowpipe, then proceed to cough, cry or bury their head in their blanket with pain. I try my best to stand still and instantly feel like I stuffed a ghost pepper into my 3rd eye. Tears flowing down my face and hot sensation running through my head, I use my first of many tissues to catch the drops of discomfort while the peppery clouds in my head slowly dissipate.
As the fire crackles through the silence, everyone collects themselves and returns to their mat while the Shaman begins to sing Icaros and pray. Prayers and songs play a significant role in the ritual and are often used to set intentions, invoke spiritual guidance, and create a supportive and sacred atmosphere. They are an essential part of the ceremony and can be drawn from various indigenous traditions of the Amazon rainforest, particularly those of the Shipibo, Yawanawa, and Santo Daime peoples, among others. The Shaman sits down next to his co-facilitator; the role of the shaman's partner is to support him in various aspects of the ceremony, ensuring the safety and well-being of the participants, assisting with the preparation and distribution of the Ayahuasca brew, and providing additional spiritual guidance and protection. Dressed in all black, she reminded me of a Latina version of Morticia Adams but with a soft, safe smile. He then smokes the rest of the long, thick tobacco spliff to the face, puff by puff. I was looking at him like he was a combo of Snoop Dogg and Iron Man trying to fathom how he was handling that after we all almost passed out from one hit.
He picks up a big flask with red liquid, sits down and pours a shot. Starting from his right, one by one, participants walk up, take the shot and sit back down. Now that Im scarred from Mapacho, I watch everyone's reaction after drinking it to prepare for another sensory surprise. Not the same reaction as the tobacco, so I walk up to the Shaman hopeful. He doesn't speak English and at this point I am nowhere near fluent in Spanish, so I smile at him and his co facilitator while they hand me my 1st serving. I look into the roaring fire, then into the cup. I close my eyes and tell myself "I am ready to let go and I am ready for my life of abundance I was always meant to have." I take a breath and brace myself as I feel the thick red liquid hit the back of my tongue. It really didn't taste that bad. I mean at this point I've already drank straight vodka for 15 years and endured the Honduras healing retreat of bitters and Maya everyday, so this was a cake walk. It honestly tasted like the Maya herbs mixed with dirt and it was a little grainy so idk what I drank. It stayed on my tongue and coated my throat for a few minutes after and Im wondering how soon I'll feel the effects. My medicine woman who invited me is sitting next to me on my right, at the very end of the circle. After everyone has had their serving, the Shaman and facilitator each take their first shot. I watch as everyone else starts to lay down and nestle into their blankets, so I turn to my friend and ask her "what do I do now?" She tells me to just relax and it will kick in.
I lay there staring at the dark sky, half nervous half excited for what's going to happen. I think maybe 30-45 min passed before the Shaman asks the group "Quieres mas medicina?" or "Do you want more medicine?". At this point I've felt nothing so I go up for a 2nd shot. Again almost an hour passes and I tell my friend impatiently that nothing is happening and what the hell am I supposed to be feeling? As I walk up for a 3rd shot, one of the tribe members whispers "Oh, you're a warrior!" Though Ive been Xena in my head since childhood, I just assumed my body was reacting the same as with drinking, 10 shots later and I can still walk a straight line. I sit down on my yoga mat and grow more impatient while everyone around me is either sleeping or still marinating on their 1st/2nd shot. So now the Shaman and pretty Morticia are looking at me like WTF is wrong with this girl? It's her first time and 3 shots later she feels nothing?! So she walks up to me with yet another shot and says "You came here for a reason, let's get it done." I laughed bc that's something I would say, like hey we came here for a purpose so stop bullshittin. I take the 4th shot of thickness, chug my water behind it and finally lay down feeling like this is the one that's gonna put me over the edge.
Out of nowhere, the guy next to me sits up and starts bellowing out an unrecognizable chant, and he repeats it for a good 10 mins before laying back down silently. I learned later that he was the Chief, the top tier guy who's done more trips around the sun than Jimmy Buffet. I end up hearing the same chant from a unique woman at a THC Delta-9 release party a few months later. She started belting it out while we were around the pool at sunset and it brought me a weird sense of peace.
Time passes and I start to feel cold and heavy. It felt like I had ankle weights on every limb and I start shivering because the Desert actually gets cold in the middle of the night in April. One thing about me I DESPISE being cold. Dont ask me to go snowboarding, camping or travel anywhere without a working beach year round. Moving to Vegas I thought I would never need winter clothes again but it gets brick out here. My facilitators bring me more blankets and tuck me in like a spring roll. Again, Im contemplating why the hell I would choose to be here, on the cold hard patio, freezing my tits off.
I feel like I need to use the bathroom so I sit up abruptly and that's when the ankle weight feeling fills my whole head. The air looks like it's covered by a light fog and I try to get up but my body can't move. The Shaman comes over and asks if Im ok. All I see are my still surroundings changing into fluidity and I try to stare at one spot to focus. He asks if I understand him and I attempt to answer him in Spanish, "No, estoy aprendiendo." or "No, Im learning." I wish I had a playback of our interaction bc whatever I said he just laughed and looked at me like I had 5 heads. I remember it was so tiring and took such an immense effort to speak those 3 words and I just wanted everyone to leave me alone so I didn't have to do anything but focus on learning how to function. I start with a dry cough and get my purple bucket ready bc I know something is coming.
Bucket between my legs, I start yakking. Now, Ive thrown up a lot in my life from alcohol and drugs. From projectile vomiting in a cab I couldn't pay for to earling in my car trashcan at a Jack In The Box drive-thru while I wait for my Oreo shake, just to see it on the bathroom wall the next morning, I was an expert in degeneracy. So im thinking "ok a quick barf and im done." HAHA. This was more like years of built up who knows what, unraveling from the bottom of your intestines and coming up through your throat with a vengeance. My girl wasn't kidding when she advised me to get on all fours to get it out easier. I could feel the heaviness pour out as I see dark red and black liquid and chunks of who knows what continuously flow from my mouth and nose. Im looking at it like I know I didn't eat none of whatever this is today. I must have used a whole roll of paper towels and I learned later I wasn't supposed to throw them all into the trashcan so I could see what my results were later.
One thing I noticed is that everything around you becomes distant. I could hear others throwing up but it sounded so far away and I wasn't grossed out how you would normally be with someone yakking next to you. I close my eyes and I start to see patterns. Looking back, Im not really sure how to describe them. It was like crop circles on steroids with different shapes moving and dots and lines reforming to create a flow of peaceful light. I hear the birds chirping from miles away at 3am. It sounded like a scene from Bambi mixed with Snow White. My higher consciousness takes over and I feel like Bradley Cooper in Limitless. My whole brain opens up and I mean my whole brain. They used to say we use only know how to use 10% of what we actually hold in our big ass head. Imagine using 100% at once but not being overwhelmed; feeling clear, content, grateful, motivated, all at once. I connected to myself, the God within myself. At that moment I understood the power we all hold inside of us. I was waiting for my trip to kick in like acid or shrooms but it is unlike any other drug, because its not a drug, its medicine that allows you to see you for you. It brings out everything that you have been conditioned to hold deep down inside. The govt knows if we knew the power we had internally, we could literally change the world rapidly into a better place instead of the global sickness, poverty and addiction that is a reality for most. No judgement, no self-hate, no fear, no rush I just sat there, taking it all in. I look over to see my medicine woman crying and wailing so loud im surprised the neighbors didn’t send an ambulance. But that was her path that night, releasing her own traumas and showing immense gratitude.
For hours, I continue to enjoy my heightened senses, visions and appreciate the nature around me; the trees flowing, the stars shining down, the music being played while the enormous fire crackles slowly start to diminish. As I start to regain earthly consciousness, I get up and am able to walk to the bathroom with the help of the houses foundation. Holding onto the pillars and walls, I take a piss and decide to look in the mirror. I was warned not to look unless you are ready, in fear your eyes might melt like a bad trip. Disappointed, I saw nothing but myself. I wanted to see my people in heaven, to say hey I still think of you guys every day and I wish you would send me some signs or visit once in a while! I wanted to see my real ancestors, showing me my history and that they are always around. But I just stood there looking at myself, and I thought, all in all, I look pretty dam good for someone who just threw up years of trauma. I stare into my own reflection and nip any sense of uneasiness in the bud. I was so comfortable in my body in that moment.
By dawn, everyone was quiet, basking in their own energy. We start to collect ourselves into a circle around my mat to revisit our experience. I remember getting my Apricot Mimosa, excited to light my first blunt of the day, and I didn’t even want it. Now for me to not want to hit a blunt is pretty major. Ive never taken any substance that I couldn’t smoke on. But when you are at your highest consciousness, you do not need anything else. You are content with where your at and its like my body and mind was telling me you are ok without any outside source. One of the facilitators asked me if I got my questions answered during my trip. My real question was I wanted to know where I came from, my true ancestry. After finding out at 30 that my great grandpa was Jamaican, and giving the govt my DNA for an ancestry test they definitely mixed up, I was intrigued to find out where my real roots started.
I start telling the facilitator about my visions. He tells me almost instantly that my ancestry is Romanian, Mayan and Anunnaki. I wasn't sure yet where the Romanian came from, and I know I have some kind of warrior blood so Mayan made a lot of sense. But when he told me Anunnaki im like wtf is that? Then I do my research and I'm like I KNEW IT! Some believe the Anunnaki were the original Gods or what we would consider aliens, and their anger and drive to succeed were unmatched. Like I told Jay Leno on his game show, I am an alien! I always knew I was a special being, I always knew I was something different. And after looking back on my life, the amount of things Ive excelled in, the impact I've had on myself and others, and then seeing how much I came into my true power after the fact, I know Ive been put on this planet to make a change. I know my bloodline is so rich with hard work, tough love and intelligence and that's whats been keeping me going through all my life challenges. I know I am a starseed and my connection to the world is more than just an interest in stargazing. And after reading up on all 3 fascinating civilizations, it gave me even more confidence in who I am and what I can bring to the table. Never again will I feel insufficient for being different. I am truly something special and whether you love me or hate me, you can't deny this. You can call me crazy, but my success in life internally and externally always exhibits growth and speaks for itself.
After listening to everyones experiences, me and my medicine woman walk over to the side of the house and I pour my trashcan into the rocks. You're supposed to see what the trauma reveals to you in a message or sign through the blackness. But my Sams club paper towel collection messed up that part for me. All I saw was what I thought was stomach lining and black guck. And shoutout to her bc anyone that sifts through my throw up for me is a friend for life. I stare up at the beaming sun, then down at my past and start covering up the mess with dirt, saying goodbye to an internal part of me that I'll never have to address again. I wait until Im good to drive, and I make my way back home in silence, still feeling gratitude for the mountains surrounding me, not wanting a thing to do with people or technology.
Changes Since Ayahuasca 4/22/23
April 2023: Healing Old Wounds
Like I said in the beginning, even after all the self-work I had done, I still felt some trauma lingering but I couldn’t pinpoint it. Looking back, maybe I didn’t want to admit the problem in fear of having to face it. The bucket of black puke released that as quick as a few hours after I left the ceremony.
I was pretty much a walking billboard for “daddy issues” ever since my father got locked up when I was 18. At the time we were without a home, staying in someone’s basement who gave us 2 months to find our next move. My father’s anger got the best of him on a regular basis, except this time it had real consequences. The cops come and turn our few belongings upside down, raiding the basement for a gun that doesn’t exist. I thought it was no biggie and he would get out of the county jail in a few days since there was no hard evidence of foul play.
My dad went to prison when I was 1 for a heinous crime and served his time and parole, but that wasn’t enough for Immigration (ICE) and they requested immediate deportation from jail since he was only a permanent resident and not a U.S. citizen. It’s crazy how your life can change in one day; how when you feel you’re at rock bottom, the hole gets even deeper. At the time my Mom unofficially disowned me for being a pothead. She thought it was the first step to becoming an addict like others in the family, so it was just me, him and the dogs and he was really my best friend since I was born. I was desperate to keep him in the country and spent the next 4 years working with a free lawyer in Elizabeth, NJ to build a case and prove he deserved his freedom. I solely went to countless hearings, courtrooms, police stations and had others write letters backing up that this was not the proper sentence. I had no choice but to grow up at a rapid pace.
I was the first in my family to go to college with financial aid and I had to drop out after my first year to survive. I remember crying to the advisor at Stockton when I told her my reality of bringing my dreams and education to a complete stop. I remember driving to Essex County from AC every week for hours just to see him for 15-30 min through video calls, glass and finally in person where you get one hug in the beginning and end. I remember the time I drove on my last penny of gas to be turned away at the door for missing the time slot and having a mental breakdown in the parking lot. Anyone that has actively had a loved one in prison knows the depths of how physically, mentally and emotionally draining it is. And it's worse for the inmate bc they are counting on you to help since they cannot do absolutely anything but dictate and sit in the slums. So you have to be the rock. I remember crying in the courtrooms as he walked out in his orange jumpsuit and chains, tears in his eyes as he looked at his only child, feeling like a failure, hoping our lawyer would somehow come through that day with a positive result. I remember them denying our appeal twice and each time tacking on years to his deportation timeframe requirements. As in most cases, our pleas fell on deaf ears and after almost 4 years, the judge sentenced him to 20 years deportation to Nicaragua. I remember bringing the 10lbs of clothes he was allowed to leave the country with and dropping it at the prison, my heart shattered. The pain I remember while writing this is nothing compared to how the rest of my 20s went.
After he left, I was a shell of myself. I was sleeping on a friends couch and immediately found money in the streets as that was the norm for our family. At first, him and I were still close, but then expectations got high and after a few years I was no longer willing to send dirty money overseas when we barely spoke and I was just scraping by myself. Of course, that turned into anger and then eventually silence. I felt more than abandoned by both parents and the world overall.
Though I loved my Dad incredibly, he was in no way a saint. He was responsible for causing lifelong pain to a lot of people, including my Mom, whom would often wake me up with her sobs as I heard him screaming and belittling her after a night of drinking, breaking the house apart on a regular basis. Honestly, I didn’t even remember the good times we had until I let it all go bc all I used to remember was the trauma, the anger and the tumultuous life we lived for so long. It’s a real thing when they say kids remember things from childhood and it molds them as an adult. It molded me into a replica of his worst qualities; abusing others, daily rage, alcoholism, drugs, verbal assassination I had it all under my belt up until a few years ago. You guys only see the happy Angie; my demons are subdued but not far behind and if you piss me off or disrespect me, you’ll see it almost instantly. Im still working on not giving anyone my power and losing the ego of it all because now I really have shit to lose.
All my relationships were toxic from before he left until after, whether it was running my boyfriend over with my car, getting choked out in a limo, stabbing his phone and Cheddar Bobbing myself or waking up to my brass knuckles in my passenger seat at 6am in the strip club parking lot, I was a ticking time bomb and my reputation always followed me. I only repeated what I absorbed my whole life, I never understood that it was not the person I was meant to be. After compromising my body and soul for money for a while, I had even more anger towards myself and I think men in general. I used and abused them for my pleasure, but never let them get past my emotional walls. And weirdly, men used to love it. The colder I was the more they got attached. Since my last relationship ended with me macing him in my driveway, Ive been single for close to a decade, running through Tinder, being a side chick and all the other toxic outlets for people who don’t want anything serious. I say all this to say, I had A LOT of unresolved trauma relating directly to the man who was supposed to protect me. If you have a daughter, please do all you can to keep that relationship strong her whole life, it will make her path a lot easier.
The last words I said to him were basically blaming him for ruining my life, leaving me to die and how he was a horrible person as only his decisions put us in this position. I left it at that and told myself I didn’t care if we ever talked again, he didn’t deserve my energy. If anyone asked about my Dad, I shut it down defensibly. In my Quantum healing sessions, I learned to let go of the blame and not expect anything to ever be resolved and to be ok if it never was. I didn’t need an apology to move on. But as time went on and I got deeper into therapies, it was always still lingering. If my Dad killed himself today, which he would often threaten, would I be ok leaving him with the pain of my words? Would I ever recover from my Dad taking his life with my nasty paragraph in his head? For a while, I convinced myself that I would be ok with that and it wasn’t my guilt to carry. I couldn’t picture a scenario where we would be able to have a normal relationship again. I wrote him off like I do with anyone else that isn’t serving a purpose in my life.
I left the Ayahuasca ceremony around 8am and drove home consciously still feeling the effects. From 11am on my Dad and I were on Whatsapp, balling our eyes out. Im talking 4 hours of just crying hysterically, telling him how much pain I’ve been holding in my whole life. How I felt locked up with him mentally and couldn’t have normal relationships bc of everything that happened. He sobs and tells me how he never knew what was wrong with him and how he always hated himself for his actions. How he never knew how to release his own childhood pain and how it turned him into the same person I became. He took accountability for the first time in his life, I forgave him and at that moment, the cycle of blame was broken. It was the one of the hardest and most uncomfortable conversations I’ve ever had, but it was extremely necessary, and we both healed a big part of our souls that day. Since then, we have talked every single day. Whether its his daily morning and night texts or our weekly video chats, we have both made an effort to show we want to rebuild. And this month, Im going to Nicaragua to see him as a free man for the first time after 16 years. Shits nuts, but that was exactly why I was called to do Aya and it gave me the power to see my Dad for who he was, just him. Not a label, not an abuser, not an addict, just a person who was doing what they could with what life handed to them. Ive forgiven both my parents after realizing that key point. Your parents aren’t meant to be put on a pedestal; they’re just people like you and me trying to the best they can with what was provided, not realizing how it trickles down the tree and causes generational trauma.
I cant even explain the relief I had that day. It felt like the whole world just came off my back and I remember calling my medicine woman crying and thanking her for giving me this gift. I think I cried more than I ever have in life that day. Ive always been scared to be vulnerable and show an ounce of emotion in fear of looking weak. Plus, who has time to cry when you’re trying to stay alive? Aya has def helped me express my emotions more instead of bottling them up. And now I remember the good memories of me and him. Us spending hours in Burlington, Ross, Big Lots, Eckerd lmao. Us playing shark, Tomb Raider, me TV hosting as he followed me with his camcorder. Us boxing in the garage while he played Aerosmith and dancing to Spanish tunes in the living room. Us watching the stars through a huge telescope in the backyard. Trauma really has a way of pushing down the good times so far you forget they were there. Of putting all the blame anywhere so you can to justify being a gargoyle to normal human empathy and interaction. He loved me more than himself and I know this situation weighed on him tremendously for years. I truly know now that he was my blockage to my next level of success in life. You can only get so far holding onto pain and pretending its not affecting you. IT WILL ALWAYS COME TO LIGHT. Whether that’s meeting the same person in different bodies or losing opportunities due to angry outbursts, I’ve done it all. And I was tired of living my life that way and faking the funk. Im so grateful I closed that gap and my heart is at peace. Stay tuned for my travel episode featuring Mr. Martinez in S5.
May 2023: Bossin' Up
Many people don’t know that I’ve been a boss for years now and run a sales office part time so I can funnel the money into my many projects. I took a Director position right before the Plandemic and rebuilt the company after the shutdown, generating over 2.3 million in revenue last year in Vegas alone with a very small team. I started realizing my talent was not only benefiting Vegas, but also our office in Florida and I needed a bigger piece of the pie. I decided to give my owner a proposal and was promoted to VP in May, which entails traveling to train, updating scripts and overall just being more present in the position. Increasing my income potential is a HUGE blessing and it only happened because I now see my true worth and am no longer afraid to ask for what I deserve. I owe a lot to my boss, he saw talent in me years ago when I was a hot mess working my 3rd job to survive. He saw my true self before I ever did and he is definitely someone Im paying it forward to when I make it big. But with great responsibility, comes great stress and Im tired of micromanaging adults and caring more about their job than them. Shit, in Jersey you had to shut the door in our face to keep us from working. Hungover, still rolling on Molly, 2 hrs of sleep we were ready to make some money bc we were HUNGRY. Vegas is a cesspool of laziness, privilege and audacity, so this will be my last “job” because I’m manifesting being my own boss full time. Im ready.
June 2023: Going Vegan
I was never a person that made fun of peoples eating habits, but I also thought I would NEVER be able to give up meat and cheese altogether. This change has truly made me a believer in “never say never.” If you’ve been following my journey, you’ve seen my transition into maybe like a 70% plant based lifestyle. I learned how to cook alkaline foods which was major and made only plant based meals at home, but would still eat whatever I wanted when I went out to restaurants or visited Jersey. Even after I found out my liver and kidneys were failing 2 years ago, I still thought balance was necessary to keep me happy, but my bloodwork kept proving otherwise. I had watched documentaries like What the Health and Game Changers but it still didn’t make me connect the harsh reality of how the food gets to our plate. How the dairy industry is the meat industry. How most items we use on a daily basis come from severe animal testing or straight up torture just to wear that jacket or the shoe brands we love so much. I watched Dominion on Youtube the night of June 27th and I haven’t turned back since. Seeing the cruelty, abuse and lack of empathy humans can have for beings that cant defend themselves just for taste and entertainment is truly gut wrenching. When I was little, we had a zoo in our house. Snakes, rats, hamsters, rabbits, dogs, fish, a tarantula, shit my parents even bred birds and they would sit on my shoulder every day and sing to me. My dream was to be Dr Dolittle and I did one year of marine biology in college before I had to drop out and go into survival mode. So its crazy that life is now coming full circle. Something in my head clicked, Im seeing facts for facts and my compassion for animals has finally outweighed my fork.
If you have the balls to watch this documentary and see where your favorite foods come from, theres absolutely no way to justify that you need “protein” or anything dead to thrive, and honestly you probably wouldn’t want to. I don’t know if I would have ever taken the time to really research if I didn’t do Aya. People are obsessed with their dogs and enraged when other people eat and abuse them, sign petitions, donate if they see a dog with a broken leg and wish death on the human who caused it, which shows we naturally have compassion for those with no voice. But you’re eating an animal who is smarter and has the same feelings, emotions and personalities as your furry friend, who doesn’t really wanna get tortured and die slowly either. And as Aja Goddess said “those emotions you cant cook out.” Everything is energy. But most say they don’t want to know where their food comes from and that right there should tell you something. People care so much about “ingredients” in skincare, vitamins, etc but don’t care about the poison they're putting into their bodies 3-5x/day. The system is so backwards and we’ve been conditioned to think like this, which is why most of the US is caught in this trap.
Through my trips to Honduras to drink herbs that taste like dirt, Ive learned taste is relative and everything is mental. And once you see the reality that is hidden behind the cartoon labels, you might think twice about the energy you’re putting into your body on a daily basis. It’s a real self love thing tbh. Its proven that meat and dairy are directly linked to ailments, hence why we get bloated, acne, allergies, IBS, cancer, diabetes, anxiety and all the other calculated diseases our govt secretly feeds to us. If you don’t care about the animals life, that's fine, we're not all animal people. But at some point you need to care about your own. Idc about your previous diet, idc if its part of your "culture". Disease shouldn't be a given as you get older. Its all fun and games until someone is on their death bed, desperate for help and the only thing that can quickly reverse any of it is a plant-based diet and natural herbs. I hate hospitals; watching my friend Malik go from beast to bones in 3 weeks and die from cancer has scarred me. He was a father figure when my dad couldn’t be and the first person I lost to dis-ease. And that’s why Im so hard on those I truly care about. I want them around to enjoy life to the fullest with me. So I am perfectly fine with being the example. After telling my family 20x why I eat the way I do, they've all asked for a list of acceptable foods so they can add/subtract things little by little. This is not an overnight change for most, but any effort will significantly increase your chances of enjoying life without discomfort.
And surprisingly, my taste buds are happier than ever. Im now obsessed with spicy food, whereas before you couldn’t get me past mild buffalo sauce. I love Indian, Thai and other cultures I used to not ever want to dip into. But it's not about being strict 24/7 or the smartest or the healthiest. My tofu buttermilk fried chicken on a glazed donut with fries and honey mustard I eat a couple times a month is in no way good for me. My huge appetite has not changed, just the source of my food. It's about doing the least amount of unnecessary harm to the planet and its contents. Climate change is a real thing; and I know everyone around the world is feeling it. We all have the right to live, human or animal, so please think twice before you make fun of someone who is not contributing to the demise of living, sentient beings or the environment where we wont have oceans or forests in 20 years all because “it tastes good.” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LQRAfJyEsko
July 2023: Faded Truth Goes Viral
Ive been working on interviews for my brand since I filmed my first episode in spring of 2020. Im glad I didn’t have a crystal ball or I would have given up on myself years ago. Entrepreneurship and media is not for the weak. Ive put my blood, sweat and tears into learning lighting, audio, cameras, editing and all the other BS you never see behind the scenes until it airs online. It takes a special drive and hunger to do what I’ve done and I’m damn proud of it. Through my over 300 episodes, I was always impatiently waiting for one to pop and go viral. But unfortunately, we live in a time where real content is few and far between and my talent often takes a backseat to the quick fixes on social media. So when my Redman interview went viral, I was shook! It sucks that someone stole my content, added their logo and never gave me credit even though Im clearly in the video, but when 50 cent reposts your clip of Redman walking away from Power for not taking the jab and gets millions of views, well that is a milestone. And the support was crazy. If this happened in 2020 we would probably both have been cancelled. But the world is seeing facts for facts and he said everything I was thinking. FUCK THE NEW WORLD ORDER AND THEIR PLAN. If you stand for nothing, you’ll fall for anything. That dope interview couldn’t have been possible without Red Coral Universe bringing me to the Superbowl and trusting me to deliver great celebrity content. You can create a free account to stream Redmans episode and others at https://redcoraluniverse.com/season-113123456.
August 2023: I Become Xena
I came home from Honduras in July to find my female pit Minnie dying of cancer. I had to put her down within a week and it really fucked me up. Any dog parent knows they are literally your soul mates and a piece of your soul leaves when they do. Me and Tiger were not ok. So I took my heartbreak and turned to different types of fitness to keep my mind off it. One thing about me, Ive always been a beast in the gym. From fitness comps to squatting 225lbs, I owe all of that to Malik, rest his soul. But after working out for so long, it was no longer a therapy, it was routine. It was no longer taking my mind off my issues; I could lunge down my driveway and still be thinking of 10 different things. I needed something I had to really focus on. So I went deeper into my new hobbies of Muy Thai and Pole Dancing. As you can probably tell, there is no middle ground with me, I’m either all in or all out. And if im really interested, I'll take on many projects at once to see how far I can push my sick limits, mentally and physically.
After trying Muy Thai for the first time at my boys gym in Jersey, I wanted to make it a consistent workout. So I found a pro gym out here and started training every week for hours at a time. I always kept up with boxing here and there through my life, but theres something different about kicking shit. Striking is an art and its fun as hell. Idk why anyone would teach me to be more aggressive but after hitting pads for hours you feel accomplished and I love kicking my own ass until the bell dings. I even tried Jiu Jitsu after I swore I would never want to roll around on the floor with sweaty people, but my mind and muscles are open to trying new things.
In my interviews with adult content creator Onyx Muse and Fawnia, the owner of Pole Fitness Studio, I was shocked how hard it was to do anything on the pole, even just a normal climb. When I worked at the strip club, I never learned pole. I was the bartender who did champagne rooms. Ill be damned if I was being superwoman, flipping upside down for dollar bills. After getting my boobs done years ago, I pretty much gave up on upper body strength since my recovery was rough and after I could no longer do push ups, hanging abs or do my 50lb back rows without feeling like my tit was going to pop out my pit. So when I tried to hold my body weight up, I thought it was an impossible task. Now Im training every week learning choreo, inverting, spins and all the hundreds of moves you can do with just a hard piece of metal. And let me tell you this shit HURTS. Its literally pain and torture and the hardest and most beneficial workout Ive ever done. My bruises have become part of my weekly routine, and Im glad its winter bc I don’t have to show my legs lol. I realized you have to be a sick mofo in the head to keep coming back for more, but after flipping upside down and doing my first crucifix, I realized how strong and adaptable the human body can be.
On my first retreat to Honduras, I crashed my ATV headfirst into a tree and saw my life flash in an instant. I thought my neck was going to snap and I was gonna die right there. Thankfully Dr Sebi’s angel saved my life, I flipped to the side and I survived with just a very deep knee injury. Soon after my rotator cuff started hurting and I knew that side of my body was not ok. It made me so sad bc I thought my fitness days were over and that’s enough to depress anyone. 6 months later doing both activities simultaneously and my pain is gone. Its crazy that the sports go hand in hand, how the fluidity of dancing helps with fighting and vice versa. How you have to be on your toes and squeeze the same body parts in both arts. I love it. It couldn’t have come together more perfectly. And my body looks the best it ever has. Abs on point, everything lean and poppin. So yall better be ready to tip me before I kick you in the head.
September 2023: I find a new side hustle
Since media and entertainment has paid me pennies compared to my day job, Im always looking for a legal hustle where I can make real money. Not something where I have to convince people to spend $5 to support my brand, only to ask where my OnlyFans content is hiding. Not a few hundred here and there, but thousands in profit. Bc with adult life comes adult bills and never having a partner to help is financially draining. Ive been seeing a holisitic healthcare practitioner ever since my health scare and I do live blood work every few months to see my progress. She gave me these DNA candies and at first, I was against them. Ive been taking minerals for years that have changed my life and didn’t think I needed anything else, but there are multiple ways to heal and in the holistic health world, you have no choice but to be open minded. So after testing these lozenges for a year and seeing specific positive changes in my bloodwork results, stamina and pain, my doc suggested I get on the money side of it since she knows I have a passionate platform for helping people.
So Im excited to bring yall a plant based alternative to pharmaceuticals with a revolutionary technology that is one of a kind. These vegan, halal and FDA registered DNA candies are 100% absorption into your bloodstream compared to the supplements you may take that give 25% bullshit after going through your digestive system. Most “vitamins” are made with fillers, black mold, GMO veggies and ppl wonder why taking 10 pills a day is doing nothing for their symptoms or health goals. Just pop a candy under your tongue, let it dissolve and feel effects within the hour. For help with pain, sleep, cognitive, heart, respiratory, depression, digestion, weight loss, beauty and more, all 18 lozenges are packed with herbs, fruits and veggies that are 100% organic, non-GMO and completely natural and safe for adults, humans, pregnancy and pets. The versatility of being able to digest them instantly internally or dissolve in water and use topically, truly make this product significantly different from anything you’ve ever tried.
This state-of-the-art technology uses a non-chemical extraction process, taking the phytonutrients directly from the plant cell and delivers to your DNA cell, taking the free radicals out of your body and allowing natural and effective healing that has been proven over and over again. From stopping hot flashes in their tracks with PWR Apricot to stopping an allergy attack with ALT, peoples experiences with relief have been remarkable. My favorites are AIR for respiratory/sinus, STP for pain/inflammation, GTS for strength/stamina, and the HPR/MLS combo for a full body detox. Testimonies from friends who have tried it say they enjoy the RLX for a good nights sleep, SLD for pregnant bladder problems, AIR for a potheads common cough and asthma, and HPY for elevated mood and focus. I love that my journey has brought me to this point. I love that Im finally able to be a biology nerd again after all these years with no “education”. I love that I can confidently give my friends and family options to enhance and heal their bodies. As with anything, consistency is key. And although nothing happens overnight, you’d be surprised to see the rapid changes with these products. You have the option to sign up as a customer or be an associate and put these products in your store, so you can share your new knowledge with your circle and create change. Click the link to learn more about the proprietary ingredients, benefits and to place an order. https://us.aplgo.com/en/acumullitsa/
October 2023: I become Ceaser Milan
With Minnie gone and me pouring myself into fitness, I realized I was leaving Tiger by himself and he was as sad as I was with no outlet to heal. I said I would never get another dog after him bc I cant imagine going through this pain over and over every decade or so. But that’s what ive always done. Since getting my first dog Dolly at 11 to putting down my OG hotdog Ginger when she reached a solid 18yrs old, Im a dog mom for life. And since I never want real kids, they give me a purpose in life. Most days you can find me on my couch, dogs on both sides, typing away with my blunt and it's the best feeling in the world. So after a few months I thought “whats the harm in just checking the shelters to see whats out there?.” And thats when I saw Perla. She was in her kiddie pool, happy as hell, a beautiful tan pit that looked similar to Minnie. At 6 ½ yrs old, it didn’t bother me one bit that she wasn’t a puppy. My dogs live long and Im in no state to start over from complete scratch. When you know you know, and I decided to go meet her immediately. The first day she runs out, curls up in my arms and puts her paw in my hand and that’s when I knew she was Minnie reincarnated. I just had this feeling in my heart that she was supposed to be mine. They tell me shes been in and out of the shelter 3x, always coming back after being attacked and bitten in her homes, so now she must go to a home with no animals. But the employees adored her and they let me bring Tiger for a meet and greet anyway which turned to WW3 real fast. I was heartbroken. So I posted her around groups and had others share bc I wanted her to have a home even if it wasn’t with me. I went to visit her a couple times just because and all the while she still didn’t get adopted.
The shelters in Vegas do “foster field trips”, where you can take a dog out for the day to have fun and return them at night. So I marked my calendar for Sat, Oct 21st to pick her up and show her a great day at the park. The shelter suggests I take her until Monday and I thought I guess it wouldn’t be so bad if she sleeps in the guest room for a couple days and separates from Tiger. When Monday comes I ask them for an extension and they tell me I can keep her for 2 weeks before I have decide if I want to adopt or return her. So I start trying to introduce her to Tiger by myself in the house and it was a mess. She was so reactive and fearful that it came out as highly aggressive. She couldn’t even look at him without trying to pounce and attack. I had Tigers leash wrapped around the pole in my bedroom and had her on a leash and 10 ft away it was still on site in her mind. Now, Ive had Tiger since 2 weeks old. I bottle fed him and he comes from a purebred fighting line and has drawn blood with all my animals and people throughout my life. He even bit Minnie within the hour of bringing her home from the shelter 12 yrs ago. But after that they became besties. They had 12 years of licks, cuddles, playing and love for each other. But I was that surprised he didn’t try to come at Perla once this entire time. It's like he knew I was trying to get us a new family member. I felt so guilty bc I had to keep them separate for those weeks. Im talking cant even see each other, coming home to let one out while the other is in a room then switching them. Sleeping with her on the couch for a couple hours and then going in my room to sleep with him a few hours bc hes not used to be isolated. Then waking up to her wailing like a psycho bc she was left alone. Walking them separately 4x/day on top of my already busy life. Not doing my self care activities bc my time was consumed with Perla. I literally felt like I had a newborn. I was tired and stressed beyond belief. I give all Moms props because SHEEESH!
About a week in I was so overwhelmed bc she wasn’t improving, and I was so attached to her I was crying thinking of sending her back to prison, my heart literally wouldn’t let me do it. I didn’t want to abandon her after she trusted me. I knew the feeling. But I also knew Minnie sent her to me. From coming home and jumping on Minnies exact spot to laying on her sun lounge chair to barking at anyone approaching without warning, she was my old girl. So I google dog training at 3am and by 9am she was at her first boot camp on a ranch with horses, chickens and a camel. Now I’ve never trained my dogs but I also always thought shock collars were cruel and unnecessary, until I got an uncontrollable dog. After learning the TEMS unit is a muscle stimulator that doesn’t hurt them when used properly and acts as a strong connection to your voice (I’ve tested it on my own skin), I was shocked to see how quickly she changed day by day. In less than 2 months she is sleeping next to Tiger and doesn’t snap at all. She honestly just doesn’t want people in her face or close bubble yet. And who the fuck does? Im still trying to get them to play but that comes with time. I said if I can get them in the same room without fighting before 2 weeks, I would adopt her. The night before 2 weeks she was sleeping on the couch with us and for once I felt like I got the W.
80% of dogs in shelters show aggression and behavioral issues. And a large portion will be euthanized bc who is gonna take the time to go through everything I just told you just for an animal. MEEEEE! If this has taught me one thing, its that I can literally do anything I REALLY want to do. Yea you might say you want it, but are you willing to work for it? When your back is up against the wall and theres no plan B, do you have the drive to make it happen? If I didn’t have the courage to change myself I would still be as aggressive as Perla. If I can bring her from killer to calm in 2 months imagine what I can do for myself in the next 5 years. Now I’m taking her to training at Home Depot, Lowes, parks and around all the other dogs in the program with her muzzle that she doesn’t mind at all. Shes jumping up on rocks, wood, ladders, staying in place all at the sound of my voice and now I don’t even use her collar anymore unless we go out in public. Most non educated people say pitbulls are killers and cant be trusted. But if you’ve ever owned a pit you know when they are raised properly they have a very calm temperament and they are amazing with people of all ages. They are the biggest lovebugs and solely live to please you and wait at the door until you get back. And now when I see people whose dogs control them and wont stfu, I understand the importance of training and having an obedient dog. They are still animals at the end of the day and there needs to be a level of respect if you want a stress free and happy life for both of you. So do yourself a favor and teach an old dog new tricks.
November 2023: My Jesus year ends
They say year 33 is your Jesus year. Your year of rebirth. The year when it all comes to light. Are you doing what you’re meant to do or are you being complacent with the conditioning you’ve lived in for so long. Are you exceling, educating, and learning or are you bitching, blaming, and complaining? And looking back, this was the best year of my life. I opened so many doors for myself and it truly was a remarkable growth mentally, physically, spiritually, financially and emotionally. Now my bday is usually a holiday. I celebrate Sag life all month long and always go all out on my day. After celebrating my 33rd bday in Turks and Caicos last year, I thought this year would be even bigger. But 2023 was something different. Everyone has went through significant issues this year, whether it's health problems, relationship issues, work bullshit, we all have dealt with something heavy. I cut off a lot of energy vampires; people that are supposed to uplift you but are really there to learn how you move to try and mimic and use you without giving gratitude or adding value. And that’s all good, cuz yall know NOONE will ever come close to being Angie Martinez.
I just started looking around at my circle and started questioning what everyones purpose was. Im past the friends that I only see to get high or drunk. Im past the empty conversations with no plan to take over the world. Im past the people who have no foundation for themselves and are still out thinking they're doing something by doing nothing. I feel no loss. I only feel clarity. This bday I didn’t care. What am I celebrating really? I have so much on my plate and ideas I need to come to fruition I just didn’t feel like I needed the recognition this year. Me going to the club and spending money isn’t getting me any closer to retiring my parents. Me stopping by this event to “network” isn’t doing a damn thing for my business schemes. So instead, I celebrated with my first real friend I met in Vegas, went indoor rock climbing, took Perla to training, sparked a full moon fire, it was really chill. And my bday fell on a Sunday which is the same day I was born on 11/26/89. It all came full circle. And now at 34, I feel more clear headed than ever. This year was truly a test of trials. Did you pass the test? I always got good grades. Imma give myself an A-.
December 2023: I clear my lungs, refocus and get back to my roots
So you know my brand is all about cannabis, but did you remember it's also about conscious cannabis consumption? Although I truly believe cannabis is my medicine, I don’t think I’ve been treating it that way. Theres a big difference between respecting the plant and needing the plant. Now, I’ve smoked since 13 yrs old but I’ve only been smoking organic, non-sprayed shit for the past two years. When my friends tell me they need weed that makes them cough uncontrollably or “it aint real” I tell them their idiots. Cannabis is a healing plant. It's not meant for you to cough up mucus and it dam sure aint meant for you to smoke every 20 minutes. Are you even getting high anymore or NAW? Ive always been a productive pothead. I smoke when I rise and complete 20 tasks with no problem. But if I feel the need to light up as soon as I wake up, as soon as I get in my car, before and after every workout, as soon as someone pisses me off driving Miss Daisy, am I really in control or am I dependent?
The last time I took my one and only break was involuntary in 2017 when I was planning my move to Vegas with no job. This was right when it became legal and I thought they were still doing hair tests. I knew my Rapunzel wig was not gonna pass any test if I didn’t stop for a while. So I took 5 months off and OMG it was bad. I was withdrawing like a mofo. I remember I was staying at the Linq, flying back and forth from Jersey, looking at rentals and getting my shit together so I didn’t have one of those I came with $400 and slept on couches until I made it stories. It was bad enough I had no job but Im a hustler. You could put me anywhere and im gonna get hired bc im great at what I do, my nice personality is through the roof and my 15 plus years in the service industry always backed me up. Anyway, I remember waking up with sleep paralysis, this demon lady standing over my bed, frozen in fear. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, I was sick. Nauseous every day, I couldn’t even replace it with alcohol bc my body was detoxing bad. I remember coming home from my brothers funeral angrily sober, smelling weed in my house and almost beating up my best friend for disrespecting my space bc I was weak and didn’t want to be tempted. And to top it all off, I did a $600 guaranteed hair detox that literally destroyed my scalp and hair for years to come only to find out when I get there it’s a piss test. Lmao I have the worst drug test stories.
So of course I never stopped again bc why would I? Ill never need to take a drug test again in life, my brand is about cannabis, I mean why would I stop? If you told me a year ago breaks are necessary, I would have told you to mind your business. I knew I was traveling out the country this month and usually im bringing my organic medicine with me everywhere except Dubai. But after a few close calls in other countries and my Dad warning me it wasn’t the best idea, I actually thought “ok so what if I don’t take it, how will I function? How will I go TWO WEEKS without weed?!” And then it hit me. Bitch you need to chill. If you cant enjoy seeing family, creating new memories and seeing new places without packing 30 blunts then you’re really not fully experiencing life. So after I thought about it im like, AINT NO WAY im withdrawing the day I leave for vaca. So from Dec 1st until tonight 12/25/23 Ive taken a break. And it's been night and day from last time.
In the 25 days, besides having dreams again which I really could do without, Ive only told a few kids to fuck off. Nothing major. I noticed my senses were more heightened and I heard way more sounds at once which irritated me. It came and went but I had wayyy more control than before. It was weird at first getting in my car to drive the usual 30 min from the boondocks and not having something to light up. It was weird not getting high as a kite before my 12-18 hr travel days. But none of it has been that rough and I know its bc im completely stronger mentally and physically then my 28 yr old self. Don’t get me wrong, after I clean the house like a mad woman I wouldve loved to roll up and release. I wouldve loved to sit on my couch with the kids and smoke until I forget my responsibilities and pass out at 9pm. But I faced it and im so glad I pushed my limits. Any active smoker knows 3 weeks is like 3 years in the pothead world. So now Im planning on using it for its purpose; to create, elevate, educate, reciprocate. Its no longer going to be a crutch in my life. So writing this sentence, im def high as fuck. I feel good but my mind was def going at first. Which is why I jumped on here to write. Something about weed works well with a creatives brain. I also notice I feel a great sense of peace, dogs on both sides, big blunt in my ashtray. Im proud I was able to detox my mind body and soul in my own country. Crazy how this year is wrapping up. Im so excited for the future.
So on Dec 1st with my new clarity I decided to re focus on my wellness store. Last year I interviewed a real rags to riches Queen, LearnwithChelsea, who schooled me on the world of e commerce, which has made her a multi million dollar mentor. I invested in her online course a year ago, and the hiccups in between derailed me until now. So I looked back on this year and realized I put well over 15k into Faded Truth this year and do you think I made that back? HELL NO. No one tells you media is the biggest money pit out there if you’re not signed by Spotify. Im done begging ppl to support my brand for the cost of a Big Mac. Im done going out of my way to interview ppl who don’t even subscribe and watch their own episodes. Im done grinding on no sleep, wasting days to edit, writing newsletters, posting on every social platform and frying my brain just for ppl to tell me they love the show and when I ask which episode they like best, all I hear is crickets. Im done with dick riders and ppl wanting to be around bc they know my value can add to their minimal life. If I had put that money into my store I would have made it back ten fold by now. But that’s entrepreneurship, blowing money fast, it's burning my chest! And looking back on 4 years of this, its like ok maybe its time to redirect bc my content will aways be king and theres no rush to kill myself to start S5 immediately. It is no longer a top priority in my life. A top priority is to get out of the matrix of working for others, get out of debt, retire my parents, have time to go home more than once a year and see the people and family I love grow and be able to consistently afford an abundant lifestyle I was always made for.
So im proud to bring you my online store, Wellness Buzz: Products with a Purpose. I created Wellness Buzz to keep the world up to date on the best physical and digital products for mental, physical, spiritual, emotional and financial health. Not only are you able to purchase DNA candies and other products, but as I continue to build my online empire, you will have access to E-books, How To courses and in 2024 Im working on my first patented product designed for a specific problem more than half of women face. My goal is to have my income streams primarily come from my online business, so I can finally have the freedom me and my family deserve. Everything has brought me to this point and you know Im never taking my foot off the gas. Check out the new store and shop to support the growth at https://mywellnessbuzz.com.
So as im sitting here on the plane in my window seat, with nasty mofos coughing all over, I cant help but feel truly grateful. I just got back from a 10 day visit to Nicaragua to see my dad after 16 years and the rest of my family after 23 years. I cant even express how amazing it was. I felt like I never left. It's crazy how so much time has passed; I was 11 the only other time I made it down there and soon after my parents divorced. Then when me and my dad stopped talking I felt I had no reason to make an effort to see anyone else. Ive always been very non emotional and closed off with family and people in general. I didn’t grow up in a household with a strong family dynamic, so I didn’t think twice about moving across the country. I never saw my Latin side after that so it was out of sight, out of mind. I used to say I don’t have much family because I refused to play into the victim mentally a lot of them had, but I have a HUGE family in and out of the states. You know Spanish people have a never ending list of Tios, Tias, Primos, Primas, Abeulitas, Abeulitos. My heart was so full seeing everyone grown up, still in good health and enjoying their life. One thing about people in third world countries, poverty doesn’t define their character. People could have two sets of clothes for five years and they would still give you the shirt off their back if they knew it would help you. That’s Nica for you. My people are compassionate, friendly, grateful and truly have the best hearts I’ve ever seen. Always wanting to cook for you, always making sure you are taken care of before them, always with a smile even if they are in pain and soo proud of their roots. I connected to my culture so much and I am so proud to say Soy Nicaraguense.
As for my time with my Dad, I gave him the experiences of a lifetime. From falling in love with hummus and falafel, to trying yoga twice in a day and snoring in his first sound bath, to seeing the beach for the first time since he was 5 and getting over his fear of water, I did that for him. People there would rather take their last $5 and make it stretch on necessary items than splurge a month of rent on a plate of good eatin. So when he tells me he could get used to this life, waking up and driving anywhere you want, trying new activities, eating at restaurants that their own servers cant afford to get a plate from, it hit me. Ive been living like this for years, building a life of peace and freedom, but I have no one to share it with. I have few friends in Vegas and all my family is in Jersey or in other states or countries. Ive done enough for myself. Its time to show my loved ones the good life.
This trip was everything me and my Dad needed. We are literal twins. From having an animal sanctuary to still having the same temper (more controlled now), we have so much in common and it reminded me of why we were best friends before he was taken from me. As we laid on Tola Beach at our exclusive surf lodge under the massive stars, everything came full circle. Pointing out the constellations under the moon, I was that little girl again, in the backyard looking through the telescope, this time at a bigger picture. My dad said he feels like a new person, reborn. I can tell he has been changing and this is the motivation both of us needed to keep going. From when I said bye to my family last night, to giving him one last hug at the airport, to landing in Miami and seeing more family after 20 years, to sitting here on Xmas, I havent stopped crying. 10 days after decades of loss is nowhere near enough. Knowing that because of life responsibilities I cant just fly back next month and he can't legally come see me in the US for 8 more years, it’s a very bitter, bitter sweet feeling. I left my hearts in Nicaragua. But this was the first step to an amazing future. My cycle of toxicity and lack is closed. All the pain and conditioning we had been holding onto for so long is gone.
And that’s why 2024 is a rebirth. For him, for me, for my whole family on both sides. This year will bring only abundance, peace, blessings and new experiences for us. My mind is more clear then ever, and I know what I need to do. I know the type of people I need to surround myself with. I know how to get from point A-F. And those plans will get me from G-S. And when my businesses pop off like I’m manifesting and I get to Z, I’ll be picking up my family in a jet with my dogs and heading to Greece, Egypt, Italy and giving them things you cannot hold. Memories, experiences, love, health and peace. Im truly about to live my lifes purpose for everyone. Todos a la familia. Bendiciones to you and yours.
Long Term Effects of Ayahuasca
So after reading all these great things I've accomplished since ceremony, you probably think everything is Rainbow skittles. But with any kind of therapy, there is always a rollercoaster of emotion after the fact. I remember feeling the same way after my first Quantum Healing session years ago. I released so much pain from my heart chakra but then I was feeling off for weeks after. Like uncertain in my feelings, my purpose and my next moves. I was never good at feelings. I only knew Hurt or Mad. Shaking things up internally and spirituality is no joke. It makes you face things you weren't ready to face. Certain demons, trauma and conditions will take multiple sessions to clear out. So for the next few months after Aya, I felt the same way. At first my emotions were sky high, especially after talking to my Dad, I thought I could only expect more happiness. But I was feeling what I use to refer to one of my certain personalities as demonic. When I say demonic, I mean if you can see auras you could probably see the irritability and rage in red just shaking around me. On these days, all my patience I've learned goes out the door and I snap quicker than a Pringle, so now I recognize when Im not feeling my best and I distance myself because I no longer want to cause unknowing people unnecessary harm. Hey, the Anunnaki weren't always angels. : ) I have them few and far between now, except for maybe Day 4 and Day 19 without weed.
I call my medicine lady and Im just telling her how annoyed I am at the world, how I can't stand the many weirdos in Vegas and I need to get out of the US before WW3 starts. I ask her why am I so angry at everything? She confidently says "BITCH YOU'RE WOKE! You're seeing everything for what it truly is, there's no doubt here. You aint never gonna look at the world, people, situations, anything the same again. You unlocked something in yourself. And that medicine is going to be in your body for months." And she was right. And once I accepted that, I feel like Ive gotten better at accepting things for what they are and just keeping on with my plans to make my first mill by 35. 11 months to go.
So I never gave too many fucks before in life, but now it's tenfold. I dont hang where it's not beneficial, I dont go out to just go out; I shut things down if its not elevating me and I dont even be angry in certain situations I would have been before. Im like ok, moving on to another task, I dont have time to sweat it, I got an empire to build. Literally no time for bullshit. Im never chasing anyone to make them healthier or happier, but somehow I'm always meeting people in a similar space that have the blueprint to a successful product or business and got it out the mud just like me. My brain is always putting pieces together and Im constantly progressing in my physical and mental well being with new opportunities daily. It's like the growth is fast and almost addictive, which is why I have to incorporate meditation, yoga, sound baths and all my other self love activities that calm my ass down to recenter.
After doing ceremony I was thinking, "ok I got that out the way, that's probably a one time thing for me seeing how I just puked up demons. Im pretty sure I got everything necessary out in that one shot." But after a few months and seeing how I was progressing, Im like shit what else can I do? The only thing Id really be scared of again is that dam mapacho. My nose still tingles thinking about it. But you know spiritual people be on their own time. So you just have to wait for another ceremony to take place at a time you feel is right. Back in Oct, I would have done it again. But now, on Jan 1st, 2024? Idk if I can handle doing more. I feel everything I've been working on is coming together into fruition and honestly I dont want to get derailed. I do know that my second trip will be even better and I hope to learn more about the ancient civilizations running through my blood. I think im going to do one in spring, which is the real new year.
After doing Aya, I felt more inclined to get ahead on my plans that I had been marinating on. Im only on my own time, and time is of the essence when you're working to meet major goals for you and your family. So now, Im still the most charismatic angel you've ever met, but I am really enjoying my break from media. In the meantime, y'all got a lot of episodes to choose from. https://www.fadedtruth.com/episodes https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/faded-truth-podcast/id1528398035
Welp, if you’ve made it to the end of this article you def had some time on your hands. That or Im a great writer with a great story. I always wanted to write a book but I thought I needed to make it big in order to show ppl the real journey to success. I know I am successful except now money no longer dictates my views on being a successful person. I am out of the mental trap of confusing riches with growth. If you’ve healed old wounds, deprogrammed yourself, started a new business, gotten into healthy activities, Id say you’re a star.
I know im stepping into my true power; im a starseed and nothing is going to stop me. Ive learned that although many seek different kinds of Gods for assistance, we all have a God in ourselves and when you truly understand that, you will make room for yourself to become an amazing individual. And at the end of the day, if you really needed to count on something for immediate change, wouldn't you want it to be yourself? My best advice is if you have an idea, write down a plan, go ghost and take action to bring it to fruition. Everyone has ideas or things they want to do. But do you believe you deserve it? Do you believe in yourself enough to take that idea from your mind, put it on paper and use that money you worked so hard for to start creating a life you deserve to break the matrix? I do and I will continue to thrive for that reason alone. Thank you for taking the time to divulge in a small part of my story. This is just the tip of the iceberg. And if anyone is interested in doing an Aya retreat, hmu bc we got plans to heal all around the globe. Wishing you all Forgiveness, Peace, Love, Health, & Abundance.
<3 Angie
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